god I don’t even know what my life is about anymore therse days. I am so sick of trying things that are new to me and sticking to the same old regular me too. I feel like I’m stuck in this body of mine and this mind that was given to me and I feel like I could do with a clean slate.I don’t even know exactly what I’m talking about right now except that I’ve been moody as fuck lately and I cant keep blaming it on PMS. THAT’S NOT IT. I don’t know. I feel like I’m failing in everything I do. I can’t seem to get myself to do the normal things like be super passionate about debating in law school. I mean I’d really like to stay back and do those things but my feet just don’t take me there. They lead me to my room and I place my bum on the bed and I read or write or just lay still like a fucking log.
I don’t know what I have in life anymore. It all feels so random and lose and out of place and scattered and I’ve managed to maintain a routine in this mess. But really what good is that? And even with boys I’m fucked. I don’t know how capable I am being in a casual relationship with this boy. He is so nice in his own weird way. He used to look at me with passion and a glint in his eye and now I feel like that’s gone and I’m just some plain girl with a body to him. He used to run to me when I was standing by myself on the balcony .. now he just stays in his room doing his own things while I’m standing in the cold. I know it shouldn’t matter because we are in a casual relationship but what the fuck, just because it’s casual doesn’t mean it should be dry. I feel as if I’m trying really hard from my side to be with him and keep some nice bubly spark around us and that he isn’t trying at all. I feel his face is screaming of boredom when he’s around me. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.
And it was after months of silence that I realised we make better strangers than we ever did anything else.
I wanna go on a roadtrip someday. Alone or with someone I love. I wanna get away. Explore places. Sleep in the car. Stop a lot just to admire the view. Visit museums and try out coffee shops. Listen to my favorite albums while driving. Have a polaroid camera. Take pretty pictures of the sunrise. Take pictures of myself. Run through a forest. Chase fog. Chase the sun. Spend hours on a field making flower crowns. Feel the wind in my hair. Buy souvenirs. Meet people. Take time to observe. I wanna make memories. I wanna feel alive.
I can’t find a better way to describe the Middle East :- It’s a competition between repressive dictatorships and illiberal opposition groups.